hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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