I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
