You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
