You don't have asthma, your pregnant
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
