my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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