those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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