That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
