I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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