I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
