apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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