I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
