Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
