I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
