So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
