and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
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