just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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