Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
