people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
