I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
