I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
