I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize