Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
