they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
