So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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