If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
