I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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