are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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