OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
