I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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