You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
