I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Randomize
