Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
God I need to hump something, right now.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
