I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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