Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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