I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
