You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
