i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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