soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
