I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
