if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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