Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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