I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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