We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
