Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
