so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
