Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
