i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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