I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
