I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
