someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
