You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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