So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
