omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
