You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Will you blow on my dice?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
