I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
