he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
