I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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