I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
