Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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